my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
