I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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