dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
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