I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
