I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
