Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
