The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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