i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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