She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
