The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Randomize
