I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
