I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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