I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
