does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
