i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
