U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
