woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
