I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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