We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
