just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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