I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
