My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
