I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
