I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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