I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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