3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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