We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
