My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
