Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
