It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
