is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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