I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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