I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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