Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
