I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
