i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
