i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
