Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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