Having a random hookup so left but love u
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
