He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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