You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
3pm strippers are depressing
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
