you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It was a blind-side dick pic.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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