If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
