ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
