my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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