I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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