The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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