The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
