i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
