His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Randomize
