I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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