They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
