Already got asked if we're dating
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
