The maid of honor just puked.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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