If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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