if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize