Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just gift wrapped bread.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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