chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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