just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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